Sep 4, 201207:00 AMPlain Jane
Because Moms Can't Be Afraid to Tell it Like it is
A letter to the youth of the nation
Dear youth of America,
PULL YOUR PANTS UP! Your bare bottoms stopped being adorable at age 4. Plus, I'm tired of explaining your nudity and/or underwear display to my young children. If that's not enough to dissuade you from exposing your derrieres and BVDs to the world, then I offer you this extended list of reasons why you need to pull your pants up:
- You look stupid. As in, "not capable of figuring out why your clothes are falling off your body." Think about it.
- It's easy. In fact, I'd be willing to bet you have the manual dexterity to pull your pants up right now. Know how I know? Because you have opposable thumbs. I've also spied you using your hands to text your friends, so I'm guessing a little pull-up would be a breeze for you.
- Belts. Since you obviously have no idea what this utilitarian device is, allow me to enlighten you. Belts have been documented since the Bronze Age and are extremely useful for keeping your trousers up. They look like a long band and have a device at one end to secure to the opposing end. They come in a zillion colors, styles and sizes and you can buy them at almost any clothing store. Prepare to have your mind blown!
- I see London, I see France .... Remember that schoolyard rhyme? Well, there's a reason why this shame-based ditty was made-up—it’s because no one, and I mean no one, wants to see your underwear. Ever. Be it plaid boxers, zebra striped thongs or tighty-whiteys, the resounding consensus has been, and always will be, an emphatic NO! to underwear viewing. That goes double for your bare buns. Decades of kindergartners can't be wrong.
- Repeat after me, "I am not a supermodel. I am not a supermodel."
- Survival. Imagine yourself walking down the street with your pants that way. Suddenly, a car loses control and comes careening towards you. As you begin to run, your pants slide down even further and you trip and fall to the ground like a rodeo clown. SPLAT! Congratulations, your ridiculous fashion statement just got you killed.
So please, youth of America, pull your pants up. You are making me crazy!
xo plain jane