Compared with what adults face, it might seem like kids don’t have that much to stress about. But kids have their own concerns, and kids’ stresses can be just as overwhelming, particularly if they don’t have effective coping strategies.
One of KidsHealth’s “KidsPoll” explored what kids stress about the most, how they cope with these feelings, and what they want their parents to do about it. Kids said that they were stressed out the most by: grades, school and homework (36%); family (32%); and friends, peers, gossip and teasing (21%). These are the coping strategies kids said they use the most (they could give more than one response):
• 52% play or do something active
• 44% listen to music
• 42% watch TV or play a video game
• 30% talk to a friend
• 29% try not to think about it
About 25% of the kids surveyed said that when they are upset, they take it out on themselves, either by banging their heads against something, hitting, biting themselves, or doing something else to hurt themselves. These kids also were likely to have other unhealthy coping strategies, such as eating and losing their tempers.
The idea that kids would do things to try to harm themselves may be shocking to parents. But for some kids, feelings of stress, frustration, helplessness, hurt or anger can be overwhelming. Hurting themselves may be a way to express the stress and blame themselves at the same time.
What Parents Can Do
Seventy five percent of the kids surveyed said when they’re stressed, they’d like their parents to talk with them or just spend time together. You may not be able to prevent your child’s stress, but you can provide the tools he needs to cope: Notice out loud. Tell your child when you notice something they might be feeling; make a casual observation that you’re interested in hearing more about it.
Listen to your child. Ask your child to tell you what’s wrong. Listen calmly—with interest, patience, openness and caring. Avoid lecturing.
Comment on his/her feelings. Saying something like “That must have been upsetting,”will show you understand what your child felt and that you care.
Put a label on it. A child who is able to recognize and identify emotions is less likely to reach the boiling point where strong emotions get demonstrated through behaviors rather than communicated with words. Help him use words.
Think of things to do. Suggest activities your child can do to feel better, but don’t do all the work. Your child’s active participation will build confidence.
Just be there. Sometimes kids don’t feel like talking about what’s bothering them. It’s a good idea to give your child space, but still make it clear that you’ll be there when he or she does feel like talking. Try initiating something you can do together—take a walk, watch a movie, shoot some hoops, or bake some cookies.
Be patient. As a parent, it hurts to see your child unhappy or worried. But try to resist the urge to fix every problem. Instead, focus on helping your child grow into a good problem-solver—a kid who knows how to roll with life’s ups and downs, put feelings into words, calm down and bounce back to try again.
Reprinted with permission from www.KidsHealth.com. The “KidsPoll” included an equal number of boys and girls between 9 and 13 years old. Byrnes Health Education Center in York participated in the survey.