My 10-year-old daughter, Sarah, is a bright girl. A straight-A student, she excels in every academic and sports endeavor she attempts, and that’s on top of playing two instruments and singing in the vocal ensemble. She tops it off by making it all look easy.
Which is why I was surprised to discover that Sarah was no different from many of her peers when it came to dealing with stress. This became evident one day last fall, when a weeklong series of tests threw her for a loop. While I didn’t see the tests as a big deal, my daughter did. When I finally asked her why she was worrying so much, she burst into tears and said, “Because I’m afraid I won’t do well!”
Turns out that telling her “You’ll do well, Sarah, you always do.” wasn’t enough this time, and her stress morphed from emotional to physical. For days, she suffered headaches, stomach aches and insomnia. While the week of tests would mean a welcome break from the regular school-day routine for many kids, for Sarah, a high-achiever, it was a ticket to anxiety. My daughter, I now realized, was a worrier, one of the 70 percent of kids nationwide who reportedly have some level of stress or anxiety about their school experience.
Stress: It’s Elementary
For some youngsters, the stress can be totally debilitating. According to Dr. Denise Clark Pope, author of Doing School: How We Are Creating a Generation of Stressed Out, Materialistic and Miseducated Students, “Stress can begin in elementary school with overscheduling, tests, even tutoring for kids,” she says. “We’re seeing more anxiety in elementary students.”
Experts say there are many opportunities during the elementary school years to identify stress triggers in children. For starters, talking to your children and encouraging them to open up about their daily experiences is the best way to anticipate situations requiring your input and help. For example, staying on top of homework and school projects will help students stress less, and asking questions will help you and your child anticipate important dates and assignments. Creating a calendar of events will remind you of upcoming projects so there are no last-minute surprises: one of the biggest stressors for a child at the elementary school level.
But having the information is one thing; it is another to anticipate your child’s response. As with my response to my daughter’s situation, what you might perceive as a small project or something simple may actually be creating a lot of stress for your child. It is at this time that you’ve got to “go with what you know” about your child and his behavior, especially his previous responses to stressful situations, and delve for the fundamental, underlying cause of the stress rather than dealing with the stress itself. It may have nothing whatsoever to do with the project, and instead turn out to be something hurtful the child heard that day in school.
Children in elementary school tend to worry most about their academic performance, so it is important to keep your eyes and ears open and communicate openly with your child’s teachers if you have any concerns.
Somewhere in the Middle
Adolescence and puberty bring about a whole new series of challenges for kids, with middle-schoolers often worrying more about their relationships with other students than school performance. While some kids are able to navigate this environment with ease, others find it torturous.
“It’s the toughest time of life,” says Kim “Tip” Frank, a South Carolina therapist and author of Battling the Blues, Grades 3-8: The Handbook for Helping Children and Teens With Depression. During these years kids are figuring out who they are and if they fit in. “They need a moral compass and confidence,” says Frank.
Linda Candlish, a licensed child psychologist from Bloomsburg, says that around age 12, socialization becomes much more important to kids. “The two things I hear about most are peer relationships and lack of self-esteem as a learner. That might come out as a conflict with a teacher or, ‘I don’t want to study.’ In school, that self-perception is also influenced by the student’s learning style and if it matches the teacher’s style of teaching, because there is research that says if that happens, he or she is far more likely to succeed and try and will ultimately experience less stress,” she explains.
Candlish also says the most important thing to remember about this age group is that children are learning “Who am I? What do I love? What am I good at?” The peer pressure is enormous, and kids imagine that everyone else has it all together. “It is a vulnerable age,” Candlish says.
Stacey Betts, an author, lawyer and mother of five from Lititz, says the major stressors for her adolescents are their relationships with peers. How does she deal with it? “Not well!” she says. All joking aside, Betts says she pays a close eye and ear to what her kids are saying and lets them know she’s there if they need her. “What I try to do is let them know that I am available for them if they need support or have questions about interactions with friends. I try to make myself available, but also respect their need for privacy. Even when it’s late . . . even when I’m tired, when they want to talk, I talk to them,” Betts says.
Thanks to today’s many modes of communication, kids are more “plugged in” to their peers, making relationships even more challenging and complex. Suddenly “I don’t have any friends,” or “I like this boy but he doesn’t like me,” are common refrains, leaving parents scratching their heads over how to handle this all-too-new emotional angst. Again, it is important to talk to your children and remind them about the ebbs and flows of relationships, assuring them that while some friends drift away, others will come into their lives. More often than not, children are able to get through this emotional minefield fairly well, but it is important to stay tuned in to your child and his relationships with others.
Teachers of this age group also report that kids are putting more pressure on themselves. They are, as many report, “perfectionists,” trying to do it all, have it all, and be it all. “Perfectionism can have a crippling influence when coupled with immaturity and the limited skills of a young child, says Carol Fertig, a former teacher now living in Denver, Colo. “These children perceive themselves as failures, feeling they have not met either their own expectations (which are often unrealistic) or the expectations of adults.”
Many students work so hard they are often stressed-out, moody, sleep-deprived and overscheduled. A University of Michigan study showed that children’s free time has decreased by one-third since 1981. While many perfectionist kids are often driven by parents, some are self-driven and take their quest for perfection too far. Parents should ask themselves if their child feels as though he or she cannot make a mistake. Instead of saying, “Why didn’t you get an A?” tell your child, “It’s OK as long as you did your best.”
Betts says that saying “OK” is the hardest part. “My biggest challenge is trying to figure out how I can best help my kids because I want them to do well, but I don’t want to put them under too much pressure.” It can be challenging. “I have found that when they go through the whole puberty thing, their personality changes – they become different people.”
High School: The High-Pressure Years
How many times have you heard, “I’d never want to go back and relive those high school years!” I’ve heard this lament many times and for seemingly good reason: the high school roller coaster can be a difficult ride. Between the intense peer pressure and fierce competition of getting into a good college, many students compromise both their physical and emotional health. Pope says this group of students has “too much to do and too little time,” and when she asked a group of high school students what they wanted most, they all agreed it was more sleep and more time with family and friends.
Candlish says she remembers being shocked when during her high school years someone said to her that what she did as a career is “what you are good at.” While that still may be true, in today’s world, being successful and making a lot of money is important to many, and the pressure placed on students to get into a good college — pressure often placed by well-meaning parents — can oftentimes be extraordinary, with the end result being completely counterproductive.
I
n his book, Epidemic, Dr. Robert Shaw highlights an article written by Harvard administrators entitled “Time Out or Burn Out for the Next Generation?” In it, the authors say that pressures placed on children “probably have the unintended effect of delaying a child’s finding himself and succeeding on his own terms. Parents and students alike could profit from redefining success as fulfillment of the student’s own aims, usually yet to be discovered.”
While parents are reluctant to admit they are pressing a preconceived career path on their children, many students say they struggle with parental pressure about their career choice. Unfortunately, pressure of that kind leaves little wiggle room for a child who wants to go to a community college or work and forgo college altogether.
The current economic downtown is another big factor in the stress equation. According to Patricia Burlingame, principal of Altoona Area High School in Altoona, many parents are feeling pressure about making college tuition payments, with kids feeling that stress and wondering if college is an option at all. There are other ramifications of a slow economy as well. “Many parents are working harder, and in some cases both parents are working and aren’t able to be home with their kids,” Burlingame says. “Money is tight for a lot of people, and I think that has really played havoc with many kids’ lives.” Burlingame says that when money is tight, kids are forced to make sacrifices, oftentimes giving up some of the activities they love. “One of the first things that goes is music lessons,” she says. Burlingame goes on to say that kids who are struggling financially also can’t afford to keep up with their peers. “The kids may not have the same cell phones or clothes, and that puts a little extra pressure on them.” In the worst-case scenarios, she says, kids come to school with no lunch money.
Tips to Lessen Stress
The following tips, culled from a variety of experts, can help you help your child alleviate some of his school-related stress:
GET ORGANIZED. Establish a time-management system for studying, and create a calendar specifically for important test and assignment dates.
Stay positive! Shrug off your child’s disappointments and failures, and they will, too. Applaud their successes, and give positive support at all times, even if you are disappointed yourself.
FOCUS ON HEALTH. Encourage healthy outlets, such as sports and other recreational activities. A healthy body helps to ensure a healthy mind.
GIVE PRAISE. Establish a system of rewards for work well done. Assure your child that a B or a C is acceptable as long as they’ve tried their hardest.
KEEP PERSPECTIVE. Remember to keep things in perspective. Not every child is going to be a rocket scientist. Allow your child to flourish within his or her own capabilities.
MAINTAIN STRUCTURE. Keep the homefront as structured and stable as possible, and make sure your child gets adequate rest. It is a proven fact that children who come from healthy environments and those who get more sleep do better in school. Sleep-deprived children perform far more poorly than their peers.
FIND FANTASTIC FRIENDS. Help your children make good choices about their friends. Know your children’s friends, and be sure to steer them away from any who appear to be a bad influence, especially those who may be into drugs and/or alcohol.
MAKE TIME TO PLAY! Make weekends fun. Provide for lots of family time like movie-watching or game-playing. Encourage outdoor activities such as skiing, hiking, camping or swimming. Above all, ensure that you’ve built in plenty of “down time” so that kids can relax a bit. A healthy escape from school means breaking the daily routine, and relaxation is a big part of that escape.
Lynn Gladieux is a freelance writer who lives in the Oley Valley of Pennsylvania. She is married and a mother to three.