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A PMS disclaimer


April 9, 2012

I used to think PMS was made-up nonsense. That is until, after giving birth to two children and hitting my particular age category.
Then it cracked me in the face like a cold, dead, full-sized salmon. Well hello my hormonal Jekyll and Hyde sleepwalker. I had no idea how insidious you would be! I muddled through and pretended I was one of the uninfected.

Yesterday, the bald man was eating lunch. Know what I heard? CRUNCH! CRUNCH! SLOBBER! SLURP! GULP! CHEW! CHEW! GULP! SLOBBER! It was maddening. I honestly wanted to choke him with the twist-tie from the loaf of bread sitting on the counter. If only it was 20 inches longer.

I decided I was yet another victim of the dreaded hormone surge that afflicts so many women and I resolved to take evasive action to save my family from my murderous, fantastical, monthly delusions.

What I came up with is this handy-dandy cutout that will alert loved ones of their impending demise. In other words, Heed my warning and be gentle during these few weeks of the year or meet your DOOM! Feel free to customize it and hand it out to your own loved ones, your boss, the checkout lady at the grocery store, or anybody you encounter during these dangerous few weeks.

If you are reading this, you are on notice!

If you look at me funny, disagree with me, argue, or in any way give me guff, I will flip out on you. Understand your mere presence will surely annoy me. Even walking into a room and smiling just might rub me the wrong way. In fact, even breathing will probably get on my nerves.
Its not you. Its not even me. Its my hormones. Blame them when I tear your head off and suck your spine out of your open shoulder cavity. Its not my fault. Just give me what I want: chocolate, tissues for random weeping, a punching bag, Gummy Bears, something salty and then back slowly out of the room.

For your convenience, Ive provided a calendar. I will be mentally unstable during these weeks in 2012 (fill in the blanks with your anticipated dangerous weeks) :

  • April
  • May
  • June
  • July
  • August
  • September
  • October
  • November
  • December
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